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Computer Humor

• General Humor
• Children Humor
• Computer Humor
• Lawyer Humor
• Workplace Humor

Y2K Solution?

The Computer Hillbillies
(sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

Think *you're* computer-illiterate?

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST Technical Support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a tech suggested he "go to the local Egghead." "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and was an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the Power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional deal, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it anymore.
    The caller had been USING THE LOAD DRAWER OF THE CD-ROM DRIVE AS A CUPHOLDER, and snapped it off the drive!
    

PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

BT VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

SCOTTISH TELECOM VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the BT virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you on impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; Twice, if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS:
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS:
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2):
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

GOVENRMENT BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hunderds of little units, each of which does pratically nothing, but all of which clain to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of error).

PANTO VIRUS:
Prints "Oh No You DON'T" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry or Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

OEDIPUS VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

TELETHON VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

PRIVATE MEDICAL CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...NO NEW FILES!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

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