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"Gentlemen," God says. "I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people." With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to Earth.
Bill Clinton calls together his Cabinet and tells them: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he's really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week."
Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: "Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that He's very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week."
Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: "I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 98."
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what *I* say."
(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R. Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
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